Well. I’ve certainly gotten off-track here. Life itself is good- I feel more comfortable and content in the mother role than I ever have. Not that it’s not without its hard moments, not that I don’t constantly make mistakes and wish I had a reset button for the day, but for the first time ever, I feel comfortable in my skin. I enjoy being their mother more than I ever have. Part of that contentedness resulted in my writing less, in neglecting this space. Not a bad thing, but not following through. Did I mention that I have a problem with follow-through?
I had a really terrible visit with my family recently. It has frankly kind of shaken up my world. I am not someone that resents my family visits, or doesn’t like them. I love my family. I love going home for visits. I talk to my mom at least once a day. I have never missed a single Christmas at my parents’ house. I have only missed one Thanksgiving. That’s commitment.
So to realize how much I didn’t want to be there recently, to realize how eager I was to leave, to realize that I am contemplating not going home for Christmas for the first time ever, is a really big deal to me.
I’m still not sure how to process it. I clearly play a role in the family dynamic, but I’m not sure how much. I do know that I have difficult tendancies. I do know that I contribute. I do know that I don’t want to be that person.
So I’m back here. Trying to find ways to stop from sliding backwards. Trying to find my way to the person I think I am, or think I can be.