Reset

Well. I’ve certainly gotten off-track here. Life itself is good- I feel more comfortable and content in the mother role than I ever have. Not that it’s not without its hard moments, not that I don’t constantly make mistakes and wish I had a reset button for the day, but for the first time ever, I feel comfortable in my skin. I enjoy being their mother more than I ever have. Part of that contentedness resulted in my writing less, in neglecting this space. Not a bad thing, but not following through. Did I mention that I have a problem with follow-through?

I had a really terrible visit with my family recently. It has frankly kind of shaken up my world. I am not someone that resents my family visits, or doesn’t like them. I love my family. I love going home for visits. I talk to my mom at least once a day. I have never missed a single Christmas at my parents’ house. I have only missed one Thanksgiving. That’s commitment.

So to realize how much I didn’t want to be there recently, to realize how eager I was to leave, to realize that I am contemplating not going home for Christmas for the first time ever, is a really big deal to me.

I’m still not sure how to process it. I clearly play a role in the family dynamic, but I’m not sure how much. I do know that I have difficult tendancies. I do know that I contribute. I do know that I don’t want to be that person.

So I’m back here. Trying to find ways to stop from sliding backwards. Trying to find my way to the person I think I am, or think I can be.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: